I can recognize joy. I can see it written in the sky when airy clouds paint a masterpiece. I can feel it in a densely salted breeze as it envelops my whole being. I can feel it when my fur baby rests his body in a circle of complete trust on my lap.
Joy is everywhere.
Until, it isn’t.
When life has cracked your heart askew it becomes difficult to see and/or acknowledge gratitude. Even if we can name something grateful out loud, there is a vast disconnect from our heart. It is a weird space to live in as if there is technicolor all around, but only black and white register within us.
Until my heart is whole again, this is how I am coping. First, I remind myself this gratitude aversion is a normal response to loss. A huge part of my heart energy is being consumed by healing. This leaves little to no space for anything else. Then, I take comfort in the fact I can still see gratitude even if I don’t feel it. My life is pretty awesome all things considered so I know the good will win out some day. Finally, I found that doing a daily accomplishment journal feels better right now than a gratitude one. I stumbled upon this concept in the immensely supportive book ‘Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, Finding Joy’ by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. You can learn about it and other grief resources here: Option B.
Writing down what I did well at the end of each day has two benefits. I see I am still contributing to the world in tangible ways even as I spiral a bit in the morass of grief, and it feels nice to write something that feels true.
If you decide to explore this concept, you will be amazed at the impact you are making in this world. Keep in mind these can be small things. Here’s a random sample of what has made it into my journal thus far:
participated in a yoga event at the zoo to support animal welfare
continued the on-going and sometimes detailed care of my senior dog’s autoimmune eye issues
made spaghetti to help my younger son carb-load for an upcoming cross-country race
hand-shredded some of my old journals (very liberating, highly recommend)
sent a text of encouragement to my older son who is away at college
Love is in the details.
Though we may start small, every act of kindness will spark like a wildfire with no end or beginning; infinite in its reach, touching unknown hearts everywhere.
